Bad Joke Friday

[SteveD]

John and Mary were an older couple who decided to become more intimate.

"Before we go any further," says Mary, "I need to tell you something. I have acute angina."

John says, "that's a relief. Because those titties aren't much to look at."

 

[The Lord of the Jungle]

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"
 
The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
How do you kill a circus?
 
Go for the juggler.

[Mudd]

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"
 
The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."
 

That right there's the funniest joke I have ever heard. And of course I will not have the memory to tell it again...

[Opti1]

Why did the Greek boy run away from home?




He didn't like the way he was being reared.
________________

Why did the Greek boy return home?





He couldn't leave his brother's behind.

[Blossompower]

Ms Henderson, the third grade teacher,  was making her neighborhood rounds to say hello to her the mothers of her students.

She knocked on the door and when Timmy answered the door, she asked for his mother. 

"She ain't here. " he replied.

Shocked, Ms Henderson asked "Timmy, where's your grammar?"

"She ain't here either."

(HAR. Sorry for shocking sexual connotations of this joke. This was the first joke I ever told.

Except: What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.)

 okay putting down wine bottle now

[The Lord of the Jungle]

Why don't Episcopalians have orgies?


Too many thank-you notes to write.

[The Lord of the Jungle]

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for an assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...

 
 
 
 
 "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"

[barbecuesteve]

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
...
The little ...boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, she called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is

[Opti1]

An old couple had just settled into bed for the night when the old man ripped a huge fart.

"Touchdown! 7-0!" he yelled.

"What are you talking about?" asked the wife.

"Fart football. It's 7 nothing."

Two can play at this game, thought the wife, so she rolled a cheek, blasted a fart, and declared "Touchdown! Tie game."

The old man ripped another one "Touchdown. 14-7."

Competitive as she is, the wife found it in her to launch another one. "Touchdown, tie game."

A couple of seconds later, the wife squeaked out a little one. "What was that?" asked her husband.

"Field goal. 17-14."

The old man just could not lose to his wife. He reared back, gave it everything he had and, much to his chagrin, shit the bed. Looking over her shoulder, she asked "What the hell was that?"










"Half time. Switch sides."

[The Lord of the Jungle]

An old couple had just settled into bed for the night when the old man ripped a huge fart.

"Touchdown! 7-0!" he yelled.

"What are you talking about?" asked the wife.

"Fart football. It's 7 nothing."

Two can play at this game, thought the wife, so she rolled a cheek, blasted a fart, and declared "Touchdown! Tie game."

The old man ripped another one "Touchdown. 14-7."

Competitive as she is, the wife found it in her to launch another one. "Touchdown, tie game."

A couple of seconds later, the wife squeaked out a little one. "What was that?" asked her husband.

"Field goal. 17-14."

The old man just could not lose to his wife. He reared back, gave it everything he had and, much to his chagrin, shit the bed. Looking over her shoulder, she asked "What the hell was that?"










"Half time. Switch sides."

Who needs the NFL?

[The Lord of the Jungle]

Last night Bob reached for his liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.


He woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[hfranks]

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home. 

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth. 

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??" 

He says, "Two aspirin". 

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!     


He says, "That's what I wanted to hear." 

[angryuser]

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home. 

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth. 

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??" 

He says, "Two aspirin". 

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!     


He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

[Opti1]

What do we want?!
A cure for tourettes!

When do we want it?!
Fuck!

[SteveD]

What do we want?!
A cure for tourettes!

When do we want it?!
Fuck!